Naming Our Inferences, a simple 3 step approach
Naming our Inferences is taking responsibility for our feelings and thoughts, noticing our observations, assumptions, and conclusions, explicitly sharing that our assumptions are indeed assumptions, and then checking to see if these assumptions are actually true.
Most people mindlessly believe that their assumptions about others are true facts and that leads them to create stories in their heads to justify their position. The trap of believing that you know what another person is thinking or feeling, or how they behave at a certain point is the primary cause of tension, misunderstanding, and disconnection in relationships.
The reason it is so important for us to name our inference is that the more you name your inference, the more space you give others to take responsibility for their behaviors, and thoughts and to name their own inference. And for students, this also gives them more space to take charge of their own learning.
When I asked my student: “Why didn’t you study more for this test?” I backed her into a corner. I didn’t give her any room to consider what actually led her to earn a poor grade on the test. I made an assumption about her and treated it as if it was a fact that she needed to accept. This student happened to be a fighter, so instead of collapsing or shutting down, as soon as she felt backed into a corner she pushed back with her defensive response. And can you blame her? I gave her no space to not be defensive. If I had named my inference, the conversation would have gone very differently.
How do we name our inference? It’s a simple yet profound 3-step communication system that is virtually foolproof if used correctly.
In the first step, you describe what it is that you are noticing about the other person or hearing the other person say. Importantly, noticing is pointing out what is unarguable. You start the sentence by saying: “I notice that…” or “what I’m hearing you say is…” The rest of the sentence has to be unarguable. As in “I notice that you yawned three times today in class” as opposed to “I notice that you are tired.” You are making the assumption that they are tired but it’s not unarguable.
Sometimes it’s okay to notice things outside of the relational dynamic. In this case, for example, I could have said: “I noticed that you earned a 68 / 100 score on your test.” or “I noticed that you lowered your head and put your hand on it when I passed the test back to you.”
You may even share what you notice about your inner experience. “I notice that I’m concerned about the grade you earned on the test”. Since this is your experience, it is unarguable.
In the second step, you make an assumption based on what you noticed and you make a point to be explicit about the fact that you are making an assumption, by saying “I imagine…”. When you say “I imagine” you are communicating the following to the other person: “I acknowledge that I can never know what your experience is like, but you are important enough for me to imagine and empathize with what might be going on for you.” The key here is to not worry about whether you are right or wrong but instead to approach the assumption with curiosity and to give yourself the permission to be wrong.
In this case, I could have said: “I noticed that you earned a 68 / 100 score on your test, and I imagine that you didn’t feel the need to study much for this test.” or ‘I Imagine that you are disappointed by the grade you earned”.
Instead of “I Imagine” you can also use the sentence stem: “I have this story in my head that…”. For example: “I noticed that you earned a 68 / 100 score on your test, and I’m making up a story in my head that you might not have studied enough for it”.
The third component and this is a crucial one, is to check whether your assumption was true and to be prepared to accept whatever answer comes your way. You state that by ending your statement with a simple question, “Is it true?”. These three words tell the other person that this is really a dialogue between you two, that you are their ally, who is simply trying to understand their reality, and that you are prepared to be wrong if that is the case.
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These three steps give the student space to reflect on the actual problem as opposed to deciding whether to fight or flee from you. They also model to the student how to name their own inference.
If I said to my student: “Hey so, I noticed that you earned a 68 / 100 score on your test, and I imagine that you didn’t feel the need to study much for this test. Is that true?” she would have nothing to push against and would have enough space to ponder that question.
In some cases, more sensitive students might still feel backed into a corner so you could soften this statement by saying: “Hey, I wanted to connect with you because I noticed that you earned a 68 / 100 score on your test. I’m telling myself a story that you didn’t feel the need to study much for this test. To be honest, I’m really not sure whether my story is true or not. Is it true?” By explicitly saying that you are telling yourself a story (which you are), you show the other person that you are prepared for your story to be wrong.
The beautiful part of this process is that if my student had told me that I was wrong, and she did actually study a good amount for the test, I could then follow up with additional questions such as: “Did you feel like you understood the material when you studied for it?” And now, instead of getting into a battle about whether she studied enough or not, we are on our way to focus on mathematics and actual learning can start to take place.
Sometimes it’s quite difficult to name our inference, especially when you have to deal with a colleague or a parent who drives you nuts or who you fear for one reason or another.
P.S. If you want more of these prompts, you can get my book here.