How to “break up” with a friend or colleague who hasn’t grown and to love them from afar
Friendships and professional relationships can be incredibly meaningful and rewarding, but sometimes they can become unhealthy or detrimental to our well-being. When a relationship is no longer serving our best interests, it may be necessary to end it.
Breaking up with a friend or colleague can be difficult and emotional because these are often people we have spent a significant amount of time and formed a strong connection. Ending a relationship can bring up feelings of guilt, sadness, and even anxiety about potential conflicts or negative repercussions. However, it's important to prioritize our own well-being and growth in the long term.
By ending a relationship that is no longer serving our best interests, we create space for new and healthier relationships to enter our lives. It's important to recognize that breaking up with someone doesn't necessarily mean we no longer care about them, but rather that we are prioritizing our own well-being and growth.
Here are some steps you can take to end the relationship respectfully and move forward:
How to “break up” with a friend or colleague who hasn’t grown and to love them from afar.
The key to ending a relationship with a colleague or having more distance from them is to be direct and kind. This is particularly important because you will still see your colleague around the school and you will still need to be in some meetings with them. In other words, you still need to have a professional relationship with them, but you can keep it at that. Here is a proven step-by-step approach that includes what to say in order to maximize the chance that the conversation will go well. Remember that if it doesn’t go well, it just gives you more evidence that distancing from them is the right thing. That said, the following approach, when followed closely, works well for the vast majority of the time.
Step 1: Be direct:
“I have something to share with you that may bring some stuff up for you, are you open to hearing it now or should we connect later?” If they say that now is a good time
Step 2: Use “I” messages and focus on the impact on you:
“I noticed that when we spend time together I [name behavior that bothers you - complain, get cynical, get critical, gossip about others] and it is [name impact on you - ex: draining, depleting, doesn’t feel good, something I’m trying to avoid, bothers me]
Step 3: Be clear about your unilateral action using “I” messages
“I realize that I need to spend my [lunch, breaks, staff meetings] in a different way. So I will not be available to hang like (or as much as) we have been”
Step 4: Be kind
“I imagine this may be upsetting for you and want you to know that while I need some distance, I care about you and appreciate [pick something that you can genuinely say - ex: Your care for me, our times together, your insights all this time]
Step 5: Be willing to listen to them without being defensive if they “lash out”
“Do you want to share anything that this may bring up for you?” At this point, you’re just listening, empathically. Use the active listening skills from earlier in this section. If they ask you why you need space, you can repeat your reason from step 2
Step 6: Thank them
“I really appreciate you hearing me out about this, it means a lot”. Then stand up and leave. You can also share that you have to go to another meeting if that’s the case.
Ending a relationship can be a difficult decision, but it's important to remember that it's okay to let go of relationships that no longer serve us. In doing so, we open ourselves up to new opportunities and relationships that can bring us greater happiness and fulfillment.
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