2/2 Pillars of Attuned Communication
Before we delve into how to talk so our students can listen, and listen so our students can talk, it’s helpful to understand that the quality with which we approach relational dynamics is even more important than the words that we use. If you incorporate the following elements into your conversations, you will naturally communicate in an attuned, emotionally intelligent way, that will create more trust and connection with your students, as well as with your loved ones in your personal life.
The six pillars of emotionally attuned communication are Dropping in with presence, Noticing NonVerbals cues, being Curious, Reflecting Back, Empathizing, and Acknowledging. Here are the last three pillars:
Reflecting Back
Reflecting back means repeating back or paraphrasing what the other person just shared with you. It shows them that when you listened to them, you didn’t think about what you were going to say next. Instead, you were so fully present with them, that you are able to reflect back to them what you heard them say. It also helps you gauge whether you indeed heard them correctly and allows you to avoid misunderstandings that can drain your time and energy.
Sentence stems for describing what you're hearing the other person saying
What I hear you say is…
If I hear you right, you’re saying…?
Is it accurate to say…?
You are feeling… (repeat back feelings that you heard them say)
I noticed (unarguable fact) happened…
I noticed that (unarguable expectation) wasn’t met
Empathize
Theresa Wiesman, a nurse and an empathy scholar believes that there are four components to empathy:
Being non-judgemental
Recognizing that someone else’s perspective is their truth
Recognizing their emotions, and understanding how that person experiences them
Communicating your understanding of their feelings and validating them
Empathy is about understanding and connecting without fixing things. It's about sitting with someone else and putting connection first, above all else. Realizing that when people feel fully understood they are a lot more likely to come up with natural solutions to their own problems. Empathy leads to empowerment.
It’s important to remember that we cannot know with 100% certainty what the other person feels because we are not them. So try to avoid saying: “I know exactly how you feel right now, or “I totally get what you’re going through. Even if these sentences are meant to be supportive, they are not honoring the fact that the person in front of you is different and is experiencing the world in a different way than you do.
Combined with curiosity, empathy allows us to serve our students and support our colleagues in the best possible way because those two components give us the information we need to understand how to help. Without them, we’re blind to what our students need and we teach to the needs of the “average” student. The only problem is that those students don’t actually exist.
Sentence stems for empathizing with the other person
I imagine that you’re feeling (actual feeling, not thought)
I imagine that you’re thinking (repeat thoughts they share)
I can hear how (emotion they are experiencing) you are feeling.
I can hear in your voice that…
It sounds like you might be feeling…
I sense that you are feeling (emotion they are experiencing)
That sounds like a [adjective] experience
That sounds [adjective]
You can check whether you got their experience correctly by saying: “I imagine… “ and following that up by asking: “Is it true?” (And be ready to be O.K. (or okay) with being wrong, since that gives you great information as well)
For a deeper dive about the importance of slowing down in order to be empathic, use the QR code below
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Acknowledge
Acknowledgment is naming something that you find to be true about the other person. You can acknowledge a behavior, an accomplishment, or a character trait that you are seeing. Remember this - what people want the most in life after they have shelter, food, and their basic necessities, is to feel seen and to feel understood. It is amazing how fast people bond when one person feels seen and acknowledged by the other.
The result of acknowledging our students is that they are a lot more likely to do what we ask of them, to behave in a way that works for us and the students around them, and to be more focused.
In order for an acknowledgment to be meaningful and effective, and not turn a student into a praise-seeking individual, the acknowledgment should have the following components: It should be worth giving, specific, sincere, and concise.
Worth giving - It’s important to avoid the over-praising trap because students can easily fall into expecting praise for simply doing routine things, which can lead to you needing to lower your expectations of them. That’s the last thing you want to do. Therefore, be intentional with your acknowledgments and praise, and only give it when it is actually deserved.
Specific - The more specific you can be about a behavior that you want to acknowledge, the better. For example, “The way you told Ernesto to stop talking to you during quiet reading time was great. You were clear, respectful, and asserted your need. That was impressive.” While it is okay from time to time to say “good job” when we see students behave well or accomplish something worth noting, you want to avoid using it more than a few times a day since it is a vague statement that when repeated over and over, loses its meaning. I encourage you to count the number of “good jobs” that you say on a daily basis, you would be surprised. Don’t beat yourself up if it’s a habit, instead, you can just note every time you say it and then ask yourself: “What specifically am I saying ‘good job’ about?”, and then name that explicitly.
Sincere - Students can smell bullshit from miles away and if your acknowledgment or praise is not genuine, it can actually do some damage because the student might think that you are being sarcastic or manipulative. Before acknowledging a student, check in with yourself. Are you moved by what you are seeing and do you have a real desire to share that with them? They will sense the excitement underneath your words, which is often more important than the words themselves.
Concise - How easy is it for you to receive acknowledgments or praise from others? For most people, it’s actually quite difficult and if you are honest with yourself, I imagine that the same is true for you. There are lots of emotions that can get in the way of receiving acknowledgment and if the acknowledgment drags on for too long, it’s easy for people to minimize it in their heads or completely dismiss it. Try to keep your acknowledgments to a sentence or two at most, it will be easier for your students to take it in.
Examples:
Scenario 1: A student is showing you how dedicated they are to improve their writing skills by meeting with you a number of times during office hours.
Acknowledgment: “Monisha, I have to tell you that I’m very impressed by your commitment and grit to improve your writing skills”.
Scenario 2: A student is helping another student in class who is feeling overwhelmed.
Acknowledgment: “Tina, I noticed that you saw that Sumeet seemed overwhelmed and you reached out to help him. You have a knack for caring about others and helping them. That’s beautiful.”
Scenario 3: A student is upset with a grade that they earned on a test
Acknowledgement: “I get how much you care about succeeding in school Tommy. That’s a really good thing. I also get that earning this grade is disappointing for you.”
In this last scenario many teachers would be tempted to try to “fix” their students' emotions by saying “Don’t worry, there will be other tests and you can raise your grade” While well-meaning, this statement can feel dismissive and cause more distance. Simply sharing the acknowledgment above shows the student that you see and understand them. It is a form of active listening, which cultivates a deeper bond between you two, which increases the likelihood that he will work to improve his mastery of the material moving forward.
Note the four elements in each of these examples - Worth giving, Specific, Sincere, and Concise.
Sentence stems for acknowledging the other person
Thank you for…
I appreciate the way you…
I feel your care for...
I can see that…
Your ability to…
I appreciate your courage in bringing this up
I’m impressed by your (resilience, care, self-awareness, etc)
The pillars of attuned communication deepen relationships when everything is going well in the classroom as well as when problems arise. While we would all love to live in a utopia where no problems arise in classrooms, unfortunately, as long as we put people together in a classroom, problems will arise. Why? Because teachers are humans with needs, goals, and limited energy. And so are students.
If you want more of these prompts, you can get my book here.