1/2 Pillars of Attuned Communication
Before we delve into how to talk so our students can listen, and listen so our students can talk, it’s helpful to understand that the quality with which we approach relational dynamics is even more important than the words that we use. If you incorporate the following elements into your conversations, you will naturally communicate in an attuned, emotionally intelligent way, that will create more trust and connection with your students, as well as with your loved ones in your personal life.
The six pillars of emotionally attuned communication are Dropping in with presence, Noticing NonVerbals cues, being Curious, Reflecting Back, Empathizing, and Acknowledging. Here are the first three pillars:
Dropping in with presence
When you listen to your student, colleague, parent, or loved one at home, as much as possible fully drop into the conversation by being completely present. Be there and be there. Meaning, physically shift your body to be right next to the person, or squarely in front of them. And then, mentally drop everything else so you can devote your mental faculties and focus on the other person’s experience.
—
With this level of presence, mindfully discern whether it is time for you to speak and or time for you to listen as that will help the conversation flow and allow the other person to feel more seen and heard.
Questions to ask yourself about your level of presence:
On a scale of 1-10 how present am I in this conversation?
Am I hearing what is not said (the message underneath the words?)
Would it be better for me to listen or talk at this juncture of the conversation?
Notice the non-verbals
I used to work with a principal who fearlessly wanted to be liked by her teachers, yet most of us felt intimidated by her because when she looked at us she would devour us with her eyes; she would usually stand quite close to whoever she talked to, her tone of voice was overly assertive, and when she shook hands she would squeeze so hard, that it hurt. She was very well-meaning and wanted to establish rapport, but ended up alienating people and was confused by that. She was the principal for a short time.
Whether you are aware of it or not, when you communicate with others, non-verbal cues are flying back and forth rapidly and constantly. Your facial expressions, posture, gestures, tone of voice, and eye contact send stronger messages than your words do. According to Albert Mehrabian, a researcher of body language, 55% of communication is non-verbal, 38% is vocal (as in tone of voice), and only 7% comes from the content of words spoken. Non-verbal cues show the other person how interested you are in their experience, whether you're being honest, and whether you care about them. The acronym FIESTAS summarizes the seven categories of non-verbal communication:
—
Facial Expression: When we smile, frown, roll our eyes, or move the muscles in our face to convey that we’re surprised, fearful, sad, or that we experience empathy for the other person, we send very strong messages to the other person. Interestingly, teenagers, especially those who have experienced significant trauma in the past, can often misinterpret the neutral face of a teacher to be an angry one. While we cannot be fully aware of what our facial expression looks like at every moment, it's helpful to keep in mind that people are interpreting our expressions. If you sense an incongruity between the way you feel and what the other person believes you feel, it may be helpful to explicitly say what you’re thinking and feeling.
Intonation: When you speak, other people read your tone of voice in addition to listening to your words. They notice how loud you are, the inflection of your voice, where you put your emphasis, and the timing and pacing of your voice. Your tone of voice can easily convey a sense of understanding of the other person, or it can convey confidence, anger, sarcasm, or affection. The simple phrase by a teacher to a student - “Jonny, have a seat” can convey vastly different messages depending on the tone used by the teacher. An angry tone will create distance and hurt the relationship. A tentative tone will likely lead Jonny to do whatever he wants. And a calm yet assertive tone is more likely to achieve the desired goal.
Eye contact: Connecting eye to eye with someone else even for a split second communicates that you want to see them and that you are present with them. It sends a strong message of “you are not alone”, “I see you”, and “I’m here for you”, which helps relax their nervous system and allows them to be more present with you.
Sounds: Sounds like “ahh” and “Uh-huh” show the person that you are following what they are saying (as long as you are also present and establish eye contact). “Hmm” can convey empathy, curiosity, or questioning depending on the tone of voice. We make many sounds without being aware of making them yet we can also choose sounds intentionally to deepen the connection.
Touch: Most people don’t realize that they use touch to communicate more than they are aware of. A pat on the back or shoulder, a warm hug, or a high five, all send strong messages. Research shows that physical touch can play an important role in building connections. Because we want every student to feel safe and given that some may suffer from physical abuse at home or maybe neurologically different or simply not want to be touched, it is crucial to attune to their need for space and provide it. Explicitly asking for consent before touching a student with a simple “Would you like a hug?” or “High five?” goes a long way towards establishing trust. Then you have to make sure that you get a clear and enthusiastic yes. If they don’t give that to you, you can say: “no problem” or “it’s cool” and give them two thumbs up, showing them that you respect their wish. Instead of touching their bodies, you can touch their desk as you sit next to them.
Actions: Noticing slight gestures in the hands, arms, torso, and head can give us a clue as to whether the listener is leaning in or needs a break. The way we sit and stand can also communicate a lot. Are you seated with your hands folded, leaning backward? If so, the other person is likely going to believe that you are closed and uninterested, and perhaps even fearful of what they are saying. However, if you lean in, your arms are to your side, and your head is straight, they will immediately feel seen because they can sense your engagement.
Spaciousness: Have you ever had someone invade your personal space or tower over you? That’s awkward at best. Appropriate proximity conveys a sense of attunement and respect for the other person. It’s important to pay attention to the other person’s non-verbal cues and adjust our proximity to them if necessary. Being at a distance that allows you to easily establish eye contact is helpful. If the student is sitting and you are standing up, kneel down to get to his eye level or sit next to him.
Get Curious
Curiosity is the level of interest that you have in another person’s experience. That level changes depending on how rushed we feel, how long we’ve known the person, and how important they are to us.
Ask yourself “on a scale of 1-10, how genuinely curious am I about this person’s experience?” Be honest with yourself. This is not a leading question. If you find yourself to be at a 1, it tells you that this relationship, at this particular moment, is not as important to you as something else. That’s very good information to have. If a student wants to share something with you and your curiosity level about their experience is low because you feel rushed, then you can ask them to approach you with their issue after class or during the tutorial so you can have more time to be more present and more curious. Or maybe you are exhausted and you can ask them to share their concern with you tomorrow morning when you’ll feel fresh.
—
Sometimes students or colleagues need to be heard right away. If this is the case, and you are able to listen to them but are not feeling very curious about their experience, first fully accept that that is where you are currently and that there is nothing wrong with it. Then ask yourself whether you can be slightly more curious for a short period of time. Even just two to five minutes of being more present and curious about their experience can make a massive difference in actually understanding what’s going on for them.
As teachers, we often think that we know what our students’ problems are, when in fact we don’t. And the longer you teach the easier it is to put kids into categories. This kid needs more boundaries, this kid responds to humor, this kid needs more gentleness, and this kid needs to be challenged. On the one hand, it saves us time and allows us to support many students in a classroom environment. Yet for it to work really well, our assumptions about the student needs to be correct, which is not always the case.
Sometimes students need to be heard, patiently, and when we show them that we truly care by asking follow-up questions to get to the essence of their experience it builds trust and deepens connection because it sends the message: “I’m not only listening to you, I deeply care about your experience and want to make sure I understand it more completely”.
Sentence stems for getting curious about the other person
Tell me more….
I’m curious about…
Oohh! I’d love to know more about that…
What’s the hardest part about. . .
What’s your concern?
Note: Being curious about someone must come from a place of a genuine desire to get to know them, and not from a place of judgment or interrogation. Most people (including kids) will pick up right away if you have an agenda behind your questions or if you want to steer them in a certain direction.
If you want more of these prompts, you can get my book here.